Vampire Humor
by Alex Kade
Summary: Mick gets a surprise birthday present from Josef...


**A/N: **Soooo...it's been a while since I posted anything here on ffn, and my first post is in a new fandom! Go figure, lol. Anyway, you can blame this on my friend who left a prompt over on Dreamwidth that I just _had_ to fill. Total plot bunny takeover sort of situation! It's just a bit of fun, so I hope you enjoy! :)

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><p>Mick groaned as the knocking on his door became more incessant.<p>

"I don't think whoever-it-is is going away," Beth said with a smirk as she shifted off of his shoulder.

"I know who it is," Mick grumbled as he stood up off the couch, "and I'm surprised he hasn't just barged his way in like he usually does."

With a sigh, he swung open the door and came face-to-face with…a cardboard box?

"Happy birthday! " Josef blurted out jovially from behind the box, then lowered it and stepped around Mick into the apartment. He smiled at Beth as he carried his parcel over to the kitchen counter. "Oh good, you're dressed in a casual manner…cozied up on the couch and sipping red wine. Cute. I thought maybe I was interrupting something more…physical with how long it took to answer the door. That'll show me to be polite. Next time I'll just come in and check for myself." He turned back to Mick. "Anyway, so I got you a present."

"Josef, I thought I told you-" Mick started, but Josef stopped him with a pointed finger and an adamant shake of his head.

"Noooo, you said I wasn't allowed to get you presents on your _vampire_ birthday. You didn't say anything about your _real _birthday. Besides, you'll love this one."

The quirky smile on the older vamp's face and the mischievous glint in his eye made Beth cautiously curious, and Mick just plain cautious. He eyed the box suspiciously before raising an eyebrow up at his long-time friend. "You haven't been watching 'Seven' recently, have you?"

Josef dropped his shoulders and tilted his head just slightly, giving the birthday boy a _really? _look. "A head in a box? You really think I'd do that? What a terrible birthday present."

"You gave me a ring once that still had a finger in it," Mick reminded him.

Beth's face had alarm, distaste, and a morbid need to know written all over it. Josef turned towards her to give his explanation, his demeanor as calm and confident as always.

"It was serving a practical purpose. I was both displaying the ring like you'd see in a magazine shot, and showcasing how much it would clash with black fingernails at the same time. Mick was in serious danger of slipping into emo-goth mode, and I'd be more damned than I already am if I just let him paint himself up like a needy teenager."

Beth rolled her eyes and shook her head, but decided it'd be better not to argue with Josef's reasoning. She stood up and made her way over to stand beside her boyfriend, leaning towards the box slightly. "So…are you going to open it or just stare at it all night?" she prompted.

Josef's grin began to grow again, but he dropped it as soon as Mick looked up to catch his eye. The younger vamp squinted at him, trying to decipher what might be inside the gift based on Josef's expression, and the more the muscles twitched slightly at the corners of Josef's lips, the more wary Mick was about opening the box. A slight nudge from Beth's elbow brought his attention down to her.

"It's not polite if you don't at least open it," she mumbled in his ear.

With a heavy sigh and a nod, Mick reached forward and pulled open the flaps of the cardboard, wondering slightly why Josef, with all his millions, didn't bother to have the gift wrapped like he normally would have. The question was answered as soon as he looked inside. Staring at it for several long seconds, he finally looked up at Josef in exasperation, words failing to come to him right away. Beth took that chance to peek inside, and immediately had to clamp a hand over her mouth to stifle a laugh.

"So, you like it?" Josef asked in a perfectly innocent tone. "I thought about getting you a puppy, but dogs are a bit too…I don't know…human, I guess. They need sunlight and constant praise and expensive food and shrill noises to keep them distracted. This makes a much better alternative, don't you think?"

Mick looked down at the tiny creature crawling around in the dirt and leaves on the bottom of the box, then back up at Josef. "You got me a bat."

"A _vampire _bat," Josef pointed out with a self-satisfied smirk. "He can just lap up your leftovers when you're done! And don't worry about any of the hassle of building him a habitat, I've got that all taken care of. He'll be okay in the box overnight and we can set everything up tomorrow."

Mick's eyes got a little wider. "Josef, you got me a _bat!_"

A small snort escaped Beth's control.

Josef simply nodded before stating, "He'll be a great companion."

"You gave a vampire a vampire bat for his birthday," Mick reiterated, still in slight shock.

Beth giggled.

"He'll keep the same hours as you, and he's on the same diet. How is that not perfect?" Josef pointed out.

"Is it even friendly?" Mick asked.

"As chipper and sociable as you," Josef was quick to answer. "His name is Lugosi, by the way."

Beth began laughing outright.

Mick finally stopped glaring at Josef and turned his attention to his girlfriend. "Is this really all that funny?"

"Yes!" she got out between laughs. "A vampire gave another vampire a vampire bat…named _Lugosi! _It sounds like a bad joke!"

"It _is _a bad joke," Mick deadpanned. "_This _is why he's not supposed to get me birthday presents." He looked directly at Josef. "_Any _birthday presents. _Ever_."

"Oh, come on, Mick, just look at him." Josef reached in and pulled the little bat out, holding it up so Beth and Mick could better see its face. "He looks like a little, rabid pug." He turned it to get a better look at the creature himself, and frowned. "Or, actually, more like a pig and a rat genetically fused together…but still, how could you not love this?"

Beth eyed it and her features softened. "He is kind of cute."

Josef pointed to her in triumph. "Ah ha! There. See? The lady likes him. Lugosi _has _to stay now. You _cannot_ say no to her. I know you, so don't even try to deny it."

"I never said I wasn't going to keep him," Mick said, allowing his own smile to grow at Josef's slightly surprised look, "I just can't believe you got me a bat for my birthday."

Recovering quickly, Josef gently offered to place the tiny mammal into Mick's hands. When his friend complied, he shrugged as he began to back towards the door. "Well, to be perfectly honest, your birthday was really just a convenient excuse. Lugosi's a rescue from one of my wildlife charities, and I generously agreed to take him in; but then I thought, _I'm a rich, powerful, well-liked, and well-known member of vampire society. I can't be caught with a vampire bat as a pet. My reputation will be ruined! _You, on the other hand, have almost zero bearing in the higher circles, so it works out best for both of us. You get a new, furry friend that'll love you just for feeding it, and I don't become the laughing stock of the vampire universe." He reached a hand behind himself and grasped the door, opening it without turning around. "So thanks for taking care of him for me. He still needs to eat tonight, and don't let him shit on your shirt. Guano's hard to get out of fine fabrics." He slipped out into the hall, shouting out one last, "Happy birthday!" before he disappeared.

"I'm going to kill him," Mick stated dryly as he continued to stare at the door as if he could see Josef through it.

Beth didn't respond, noting that Mick's tone had been soft and delivered more in the way of a teasing threat; plus there was the fact that he had cradled Lugosi up against his chest with one hand while he stroked the bat's fur with the other. She shook her head knowingly and rolled her eyes, wondering how it was that Josef always seemed to be able to do exactly the right thing while still keeping up appearances of being a self-serving ass. It seemed to suit him, though, and she knew Mick wouldn't have him any other way.

_**The End!**_


End file.
